The Proposed Smoking Ban

As you already know, there are talks of instituting a smoking ban in Denton (here's a link to the presentation given about the proposed ban). True to character, much of Denton is highly opinionated on the subject (tell the city your opinion at Engage Denton). We had two fake Dentonites tell us their side of the story. Below you can read the reasons why Linda is pro-ban and why Vernon is anti-ban. Tell us your side in the comments!


Hi! I'm Linda and these are my five self-absorbed reasons for wanting a smoking ban in Denton. 

My wardrobe. Granted, not everyone has quite as fabulous a wardrobe as mine, but who wants to come away from a bar with their blazer reeking of cigarettes? I mean, I know this is Denton and on any given day you can find bar-goers in jeans and a hoodie (both easily machine washable), but for those of us who like to wear fine fabrics... I don’t want to have to take my outfit to the dry cleaner just so I can rid my closet of the smell of burnt tobacco.

My dining experience. For anyone who dines in the bar section of local restaurants, cigarette smoke is a nuisance. My epicurean escapade is ruined by the palette-pulverizing aroma of cigarette smoke.

Fuckin’ A!-- and by that, I mean fuckin’ allergies. Red, dry eyes. Hacking cough. I can literally feel my sinus cavities decomposing as I sit in a bar with poor ventilation, surrounded by nicotine addicts. Like literally, the insides of my face start sizzling, then drying and cracking open. I have to wrap a hot towel around my head when I get home, and I curse you, Smoker, every moment of it.

Sanitation. Where do you think all that smoke settles? Besides in my clothes and hair and sinuses.... It’s settling on the surface of your cocktail or beer. On your bar snacks. On the counters, chairs, on the floor being kicked up with every shuffle and step. Cleanliness is godliness, folks. Think of how good all of our drinks would taste without the film of nicotine and tar on top?!

Health. If secondhand smoke can give a baby asthma or an octogenarian pneumonia, even the healthiest of young adults can suffer the consequences of the smokers in the place. Greedy, uncaring indoor smokers! Shame on you!

Counterpoint with Vernon

Hi, I’m Vernon and I smoke. I’ve smoked since the day I turned twelve and I’ll continue to do so until I’m two hundred and twelve. Also, believe it or not, but you enjoy my smoke. I’m the dude who blew smoke in your face that one time at Paschall Bar when you beat me at darts. I’m the guy that created that thick haze that prevented you from spying on the curly-haired dude in Peopleodian at Rubber Gloves last semester. I’m in your life, and I won’t be going anywhere.

Think of how much I add to your life. Without me, you’d taste what the food you’re trying to eat actually tastes like (spoiler: the black bean sauce at Mr. Chopsticks doesn’t actually taste like that). Without me, your clothes wouldn’t reek all the time and more people would talk to you (who wants that?!). Face it; without me, your life would suck.

That’s why I’m proposing the opposite of a smoking ban. I want to bring back smoking EVERYWHERE.

Let’s bring back smoking at the gas station. I need something to breathe in other than the fumes of spilled gasoline, people. I’m careful with where I ash, though. Don’t worry.

Let’s start smoking at hospitals! Listen, I know you just had a baby, but I really want him to first see me at my coolest -- with a cigarette in my hand. Maybe start making baby cigarettes, too!

Lest I forget smoking at school! Got a fourth grader who says his Austrailian Shephred ate his homework? Forget detention. No smoking in class for a week. I guarantee you, he’ll have his shit finished in time next week.

Besides, cigarettes play a larger part in your life than you know. How will you be able to tell apart good parents from bad parents unless you can see them smoking around their children?

You know what makes those lattes you get at Jupiter House taste so darned good? That’s right, ground-up Newports. Mmmm tar crema.

The staff at the Denton Record Chronicle is even paid in packages of Marlboro’s. Word on the street is that Editor in Chief, Dawn Cobb, is bringing home four cases a month.

What will people hold in their hands to avoid looking awkward at parties? There’s nothing, people. I’ve checked. I’ve tried sticks, my iPhone and even small-sized melons, but all of my attempts were futile. And don’t we all know that standing around awkwardly at parties only leads to one thing -- teen pregnancies.

And with that, I implore you, fellow Dentonites, don’t ban the smoke; just smoke and smoke a lot.