THE GUIDE TO HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS IN DENTON

J. WILGUS EBERLY

Are you disappointed by what you’ve accomplished in life so far? Starting to notice the shadowy specter of death looming in your periphery? Fear not. We Denton Do It wants to help you push those feelings deep down inside with this Guide to Having a Midlife Crisis without having to leave Denton. Read on for more. 


FOOD

Taquerias are a great way to shake the middle aged malaise. #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner might worry the typical middle aged person. So if you’re comfortable eating at taquerias, then you must not be middle aged. See how that works?

Any taqueria will do, but Guanajuato is especially recommended. It combines excellent tacos with an authentic atmosphere. The beauty of authentic places is that they distract you from your own in-authenticity, which is something Chipotle can never offer.

DRINK

Cocktails at 940's are a great choice for the those looking to feel young once more.

Cocktails at 940's are a great choice for the those looking to feel young once more.

Alcohol can silence your sad inner voice, but place matters. After all, it’s hard to exude youthful vigor while sipping beeritas at the Chili’s bar.

940’s is a good choice, and they make a tasty sazerac. It has sweetness, bitterness, and alcoholic heat that display a balance that’s missing in your own life. Also, McKenzie Smith, who sometimes plays drums with Father John Misty is a part owner. Most middle aged people have never heard of McKenzie, but you sometimes see him mowing his yard when you’re taking a walk in your neighborhood. You could easily talk to him and be his friend and maybe even jam with him, but you figure he’s busy, so why interrupt?

CLOTHES

Bethany Koehn, owner of Everyday Modish, is a Dentonite that can help you break the style freeze. What’s the style freeze, you ask? It’s the unfortunate phenomenon wherein men (women are generally immune) chose a style in their early 20s and never depart from it. The style freeze is responsible for the persistence of cargo shorts. They made sense at that Sugar Ray concert 20 years ago, so why wouldn’t they make sense today?

TRANSPORTATION

A leased sports car may be the classic choice for a midlife crisis, but there’s a subset of Denton that won’t be impressed. Where you see confidence and vigor, they see a gas guzzler with an outsized carbon footprint.

Consider a bike instead. Not a Harley, but an actual bicycle that you pedal. The guys at Sprockets can help you find a good one. Besides giving you eco cred, a bike will also improve your physical fitness and help you forget that your body has already peaked and begun its irreversible decay. Not looking to up your personal physical fitness? Consider the motorbike. 

MUSIC

Your taste in music says a lot about you. Unfortunately, it’s a lot harder to keep up than it used to be. Even the youths have taken to feigning knowledge of obscure bands. So unless you plan on making Pitchfork your homepage, you’re going to need a plan.

Here’s one weird trick to help you appear current. Do a Google image search of “festival lineup poster.” These posters tend to be filled top to bottom with band names. Look through a few, but ignore the bands at the top. You want to concentrate on the middle. Those are the up-and-coming bands that are just the right amount of obscure. Memorize a couple, being careful not to think about the sad charade your life has become.

The poet Dylan Thomas said that, “old age should burn and rave at the close of day.” I’m pretty sure he would agree that middle age should eat tacos, ride bikes, and pretend to know about new bands.

Have any tricks for escaping the crushing ennui of your middle years? Let us know in the comments.